Just sharing to the whole world how lucky I am to have a.) a pair of hands b.) legs c.) brain that functions well without the anxiety. d.) struggling heart

That makes me a human with a passion to survive.

       Although I got laid-off right away with my former job, it seems like good vibrations were being attracted lately. I move fast. I mean, strategy-wise. I've been practicing this since I was a little kid. Business has always been a part of my life. It's innate in me to think of something to make and sell. 


The 90's was the most phenomenal decade ever! I recall having most of the gadgets I wanted. However, I was not spoiled like any other preppie kids....

My nanny would be punishing me for having just a A or B+ grade even if it's still a good grade. My parents never knew what I was going through since they were'nt around most of my life. Yet, I remember my grandpa and uncle asking me on what I want whenever I make it to the Achievers' list. One of the first major gifts I received was having a trip to Disneyland in Anaheim, CA for being a class officer and part of the top 10 students in 1st grade. It's kind of weird that I was just inspired to study because I knew I am going to get a reward if I worked hard for the gold. However, these all stopped when my family realized I was not really aiming to be smart but with the money,toys, etc. 

For a change, my family changed the strategy.

They made me wear a bow, bought different colors of it and bought me a bag of candies.

You're probably wondering by now. I'll explain why.

Apparently, my family were teaching me how to market my own "little business" that they funded when I was in grade school. I realized that whenever I wear a new headpiece & accessory to school, my classmates drooled in envy and would ask where I bought it. As for the bag of candies, my family told me that they're not going to buy me a new bag until I figured out what to do with it.

One morning, while in the classroom. My seatmate saw me unwrapped a piece of candy.

"Can I have some?"

"No."

"Fine, I'll just buy at the canteen downstairs."

"Why don't you just buy from me? Only .50 cents. You don't have to go a long way for a piece of candy."


.......The rest is history. The bows sold well too. Same thing, I told my classmates to buy from me. However, I think I made my classmates more spoiled from their parents than actually learning the trade. Oh well.

While I was growing up, I get more $$$$ but got tired and wanted a new product to sell inside the classroom. When I reached 3rd grade, that's where I started transitioning from candies, bows to something better. My parents bought me a satellite phone, pager and a computer for traveling and studying purposes. 

However, there's something missing.......A PRINTER.

I used to travel in business/first class and observed the adults I sit with inside the plane. Most have laptops, palm pilots, etc. An adult who was sitting beside me at that time noticed that I was too young to be traveling alone so someone in a formal business attire initiated a conversation: "What do you want to be when you grow up?" / "Like you, I also want to wear a suit." / "Well, I'm an ambassador for my country. / "What is an ambassador, mister?" / "You may be young to understand but I deal with different people like me and travel all the time."/ "OK, I think I want to be like you when I grow up because I love being on the plane, traveling a lot and learning things from people like you." 

One thing that caught my attention was when he gave me a business card. I learned at that moment that acquiring gadgets such as a phone, pager and an email were class status at that time & perfect mediums to connect more with people around the world.

As soon as I went back in a school year, already in 3rd grade, I asked my parents to buy me a printer. I told them I will make my own business cards since I was inspired to give it away to "future connections". Also, I had an idea to print customized business cards, stationery, greeting cards, etc. in class.

NO WONDER I GOT VOTED AS "CLASS TREASURER or AUDITOR" every grade school year. hahaha

While I reminisce my childhood years, I realized how lucky I was. I can also say that everything that I did, even if it were the smallest things made an impact to who I am right now. I shared this story because I want to inspire 8-12 year old kids who might bump and read my blog. Also, I wanted to share to the world how happy I am to be launching my new business soon. Finally, someone from overseas will be funding it! I am really excited! My business in the Philippines is doing good as well.

All I can say is it does not really hurt to get some little rejection in our lives. If it is not meant to be, there's always something to focus on. As for me, I am blessed to be artistically and musically-inclined. Eh, I'm a scholar for life. I won't stop here.

It's 3:40 AM. I'm currently high in caffeine and sugar that I took from hours ago. I know, I should be refraining from the things I am not supposed to do nor intake, like smoking for instance. Yet, I really can't stop dropping everything all at once. 

To cut my story shorter...... Well, my life is now.

2 weeks ago, I went to the cardiologists to be examined as for I have been palpitating nonstop for the past two months. Stress, perhaps. But worse. For hours, they did an ultrasound of my heart and was told that it was strong and beautiful but my heart rate was faster than normal. I can barely see the signal processing of it in front of the monitor but I knew exactly that it was faulty through the eyes of the technician who was analyzing my poor heart that moment. After being seen by the cardiologist, I was given a heart monitor to wear for 24 hours. From now on, I will be seeing doctors for at least twice a week since I was told that my condition is that bad. [If you are wondering what it is, I'll just tell you in person.]

At 7:30, I had an appointment with a psychiatrist for the first time. As soon as I got in the doctor's office, the picture of a room that was in my head all these years came to life: Dimmed incandescent lights, large lofty windows, fluffy burgundy couches, smell of old books, and lastly: a creepy, empathetic psychiatrist at your service.

Every first-timers have this fluttery-feel in the stomach. Like myself, I felt uncomfortable when he asked me instantly regarding my whole life and past experiences. Being leary at the beginning, I got used to it right away. Privacy is a huge factor in my life since I was used to being independent and never taken care of. Anyways, I told him everything I have to say and his last questions was: "Did you just pay a visit to get medications out of me?" 

"No, I want to get my life back. Whatever I have right now, it affects my whole aura and the people around me. I miss my old self and I want to get well as soon as possible." I replied.

Without hesitations, he then writes the prescription of my diagnosis...

Klonopin was believed to be the "drug" answer. Nope, I never thought that it was a winner...at all. Who wants a sedative anyway? Anyone?

I have read about all benzo's in my college years due to Psychology was my first undergraduate degree and spent three years mocking myself with it. Law & Criminal Psychology is way cooler than Clinical Psychology. As I reminisce all these things now, my heart beats happily since I miss being in my hometown, witnessing one of the best sunsets in the world and hanging out with my friends for years in Southeast Asia. 

Life.

I have never really thought my life was that awesome yet I had a lot of experiences and people I bumped into that were way interesting. Try asking me in person and we might not finish for a day. I have lots of things to share. Also, art and music are my passion. I can say that I am blessed to have all these talents that were honed yet forgotten for years ever since adulthood started. The last time I drew intensively on canvas was in 2005. Whatever happened after that is still a mystery on why I never continued playing music and doing art. However, I have been making digital music since March (?) using my computer and even made a Soundcloud account. Check it out: https://soundcloud.com/kurtnextdoor. Yes, I KNEW WHAT I JUST DID THERE. I did a minor advertisement of my output. There's a cliche that goes by "If you have it, flaunt it." Damn, I just so despise writing corny cliches.

My time is ticking fast - I hope that someone special would say [genuinely] that they really care for me not because I'm nearly dying but with the involvement that was made with all the people I have encountered. Sometimes I  should not have been too nice to everyone since reality hit me that not everyone I showed concern for, reciprocated back. 

This is only the beginning to learn more things anyway. To document everything I want to say, not in private but in public so everyone will know what lingers inside my mind whenever I stay silent most times. It is never too late to make a transition. People DO change everyday except for our so-called habits and EVERYDAY we learn something by interacting with new people, reading the news, trying things that has never done, etc.

I should be sleeping by now. Writing made me feel good after all.

Time check: 4:20 AM. Oh well. :)