It's 3:40 AM. I'm currently high in caffeine and sugar that I took from hours ago. I know, I should be refraining from the things I am not supposed to do nor intake, like smoking for instance. Yet, I really can't stop dropping everything all at once. 

To cut my story shorter...... Well, my life is now.

2 weeks ago, I went to the cardiologists to be examined as for I have been palpitating nonstop for the past two months. Stress, perhaps. But worse. For hours, they did an ultrasound of my heart and was told that it was strong and beautiful but my heart rate was faster than normal. I can barely see the signal processing of it in front of the monitor but I knew exactly that it was faulty through the eyes of the technician who was analyzing my poor heart that moment. After being seen by the cardiologist, I was given a heart monitor to wear for 24 hours. From now on, I will be seeing doctors for at least twice a week since I was told that my condition is that bad. [If you are wondering what it is, I'll just tell you in person.]

At 7:30, I had an appointment with a psychiatrist for the first time. As soon as I got in the doctor's office, the picture of a room that was in my head all these years came to life: Dimmed incandescent lights, large lofty windows, fluffy burgundy couches, smell of old books, and lastly: a creepy, empathetic psychiatrist at your service.

Every first-timers have this fluttery-feel in the stomach. Like myself, I felt uncomfortable when he asked me instantly regarding my whole life and past experiences. Being leary at the beginning, I got used to it right away. Privacy is a huge factor in my life since I was used to being independent and never taken care of. Anyways, I told him everything I have to say and his last questions was: "Did you just pay a visit to get medications out of me?" 

"No, I want to get my life back. Whatever I have right now, it affects my whole aura and the people around me. I miss my old self and I want to get well as soon as possible." I replied.

Without hesitations, he then writes the prescription of my diagnosis...

Klonopin was believed to be the "drug" answer. Nope, I never thought that it was a winner...at all. Who wants a sedative anyway? Anyone?

I have read about all benzo's in my college years due to Psychology was my first undergraduate degree and spent three years mocking myself with it. Law & Criminal Psychology is way cooler than Clinical Psychology. As I reminisce all these things now, my heart beats happily since I miss being in my hometown, witnessing one of the best sunsets in the world and hanging out with my friends for years in Southeast Asia. 

Life.

I have never really thought my life was that awesome yet I had a lot of experiences and people I bumped into that were way interesting. Try asking me in person and we might not finish for a day. I have lots of things to share. Also, art and music are my passion. I can say that I am blessed to have all these talents that were honed yet forgotten for years ever since adulthood started. The last time I drew intensively on canvas was in 2005. Whatever happened after that is still a mystery on why I never continued playing music and doing art. However, I have been making digital music since March (?) using my computer and even made a Soundcloud account. Check it out: https://soundcloud.com/kurtnextdoor. Yes, I KNEW WHAT I JUST DID THERE. I did a minor advertisement of my output. There's a cliche that goes by "If you have it, flaunt it." Damn, I just so despise writing corny cliches.

My time is ticking fast - I hope that someone special would say [genuinely] that they really care for me not because I'm nearly dying but with the involvement that was made with all the people I have encountered. Sometimes I  should not have been too nice to everyone since reality hit me that not everyone I showed concern for, reciprocated back. 

This is only the beginning to learn more things anyway. To document everything I want to say, not in private but in public so everyone will know what lingers inside my mind whenever I stay silent most times. It is never too late to make a transition. People DO change everyday except for our so-called habits and EVERYDAY we learn something by interacting with new people, reading the news, trying things that has never done, etc.

I should be sleeping by now. Writing made me feel good after all.

Time check: 4:20 AM. Oh well. :)